The break-up really hurt.
I don’t know if it’s because I really loved her or because I think she didn’t reciprocate it…
But it hurt…it hurts.
I thought that by trying, talking, and really, really really trying, we could become something…
But I was mistaken.
I tried to understand her.
I listened to her.
I told her what I was confused or unsettled by.
She told me as well.
We were honest…I think…
But it seems it wasn’t enough.
I truly loved her…
But did I though?
Did I understand what love truly is?
I don’t know…
So I went on a journey, travelling the world.
It was both an escape and a quest.
Travelling, I relaxed and broadened my mind, whilst also meeting so many different people that I could ask…
What is love?
I didn’t know…nor do I know now…
I asked, men and women, old and young, learned individuals, both office workers and spiritual leaders (or so they called themselves)…
And everyone told me something different, yet similar.
Trust, companionship, understanding, attention, willingness to do something, to change, and so much more…
Attraction, obsession, trust, honesty, communication, acceptance, pain…and so much more..
I don’t get it.
And now, I was walking the stairs of the Great Wall of China, and I was sighing.
What is wrong with me?
I used to be unbothered by mocking, by teasing, by outright bullying, and abuse, be it verbal or physical…
Why do I still hurt?
“Because you loved her.”
A voice said.
Looking back, I saw…
Well, a goddess, can’t describe her any other way.
I turned around and sighed.
Not only am I wallowing in self-pity, now I also hallucinate…
She or it giggled, and then pinched me.
“I am a she, indeed, thank you very much, and not an it.”
She said, smiling.
Probably didn’t realise someone else was up here as well…
Did I bother with my gloominess?”
“No, not with that, but with your questions, yes.
Nobody questioned my domain so much ever since the Age of Poetry died out.”
She “admonished” me.
“What do you mean your domain?
You own this Wall?”
“Oh, no, this belongs to some dude called Qin, a mortal that ascended to godhood because he was quite a good ruler, and a cruel person.
He is quite funny.”
I ignored that statement.
I guess anyone who actually strays so far away from the guide, is either prepared to daydream, is obsessed with the history of the Wall, or is…
“I am not crazy, and my domain is that you question since the break-up.
She purred the last word, making me shiver.
“Was I talking out loud, instead of just thinking?
“No, I can read your mind, but I know you won’t believe me so here, let us talk in a much more pleasant environment.”
She said, snapping her fingers.
Then, we weren’t on the Wall anymore, but on a fuzzy red and yellow blanket, with a picnic basket between us.
The blanket was laid out on a beautiful spring green field, and in front of us swans were swimming on a crystal clear lake.
The sun was shining, the sky was clear, but we were protected by the sunlight by the shade of a great tree.
“Not Hell, Love, albeit Hell is filled with lots of kinds of love as well.”
She said, taking out a grape from the basket.
“No, you aren’t hallucinating, for whatever deity’s sake you worship, Ronald.
You feel the breeze, you smell the fragrance of the flowers, and you can feel the lake.
This is real.”
She said, before I could question my sanity.
“Are you a…”
“Flesh and blood.
Great Goddess of Love, do you like what you see?”
She said, standing up and spinning.
“Speechless at my beauty?
Well, men of your era are more rational, romantic behaviour has degraded or got simplified?
Gifts, shows of luxury, basic things.
No more grand quests, or shows of loyalty, bravery and desire.
Oh, and how low the value of one’s virtue got…
That’s why I was surprised…sensing you…truly seeking the meaning of Love.”
“What is it?
What is Love.”
“Everything you heard until now, and much more?
I like to keep it simple: Love is a feeling.”
“Isn’t that a bit reductive?
And as the Goddess of Love…”
“Great Goddess of Love.”
She corrected me.
“Great Goddess of Love, shouldn’t you be more concerned and more clear about your …
“Nah, it’s clear as this day’s sky to me.
Love is a feeling, and feelings fluctuate, change, strengthen and weaken, and are affected by…anything and everything, and in turn affect anything and everything.”
She said, smiling.
“Isn’t Love then like a Law?
If you are really a Goddess, then those novels I have read about deities, cultivation and whatnot should be true.
After all, you mentioned Qin, which I presume is Emperor Qin, ascending to godhood.
So, should you all be extremely aware of these things?
Like mastering them?”
It brightened the day…literally.
Things that are subjected to the moods and whims of creation?
Let’s say fundamental things such as Time, Space, Gravity, Matter and so on can be thoroughly studied and more or less mastered…but never truly fully.
I doubt anyone can master something fully.”
“But I have read…”
“I know, and that’s how it is written, and it is more or less true as well.
But that mastery equates over a control over the fundamental functions of a law.
Like Gravity, you can use attraction and repulsion forces on matter after you master it, but after aeons, you realise you can use it on ethereal things as well, such as Luck or Karma.
Let me tell you something, little mortal, not that you will get it: as the laws that govern the universes functionality, thus they govern us, living beings, we, also affect them.
Our perception changes them, slowly, yes, but surely.”
“So…Is it really impossible?
I mean, to learn what love is?”
“It’s up to you to know what love is.
Ethereal things such as Love are everywhere, and can mean anything.
I doubt there are two individuals with exactly the same definitions for Love.”
And then, I was back on the Wall.
“Well, little mortal, this has been fun, but I can see that in your heart, you know the answer.
Well, I am going to tease you a bit, and tell you: you have always known it.
So, go get her back, tiger.”
Her voice echoed, but she was nowhere to be seen.
She was right…
If I knew that I loved her, I knew what love meant to me…and I knew what I had to do…
Is it really impossible?