To be calm, while in panic

In my world, rules are made by those strong.
In a world where the strong survives while the weak is being used, what better role is there than to be a warrior?
I have been blessed, so that my talents are top-notch in weapon handling, hand to hand combat, scouting, mapping, hunting and even leading troops.
But I have a flaw…I…I fear everything.
I have to have a contingency plan for my contingency plans, and even a trip to the bathroom might be a potential deadly hazard…or at least in my mind, it can be.
I have developed poison resistance slowly to be unafraid of most poisons, and I have built a perfect house in the woods, which has several hidden rooms, and several hidden routes out of here.
But it’s getting…it’s getting out of hands, and I don’t know what to do.
And what to others think?
Well, besides those that envy me for my “easy” life, the others just shrug and say: “You will get over it.”
The “you will get over it” usually makes me even more uneasy, forcing me to draft plans for that certain day when my mind will finally be “calm”.
Panic attacks and panic in general, is what I go through, and I am more or less used to it.
A short “I am not okay” or “I am dying” moment, then I can supress it for a week or so.
But what do others say?
“Calm down.” , “It’s nothing, you are just overthinking.” , “You are imagining it.” , and many other similar phrases.
Well, thank you for the obvious, is what I think when I hear them.
It’s not like I don’t know what’s wrong with me, nor do I confuse reality with my imagination, but that doesn’t change the effect of my thoughts over my life.
This life is not easy, especially as a warrior.
Killing, kidnapping, looting, burning and many more morally wrong actions became right, simply because I do it to an enemy, and not to an ally?
These kind of actions are often fuelling my nightmares, with the revenge and curse of the fallen ones.
Yet, nowadays, I am praised for being “Calm while in panic.”
I am praised that I finally won over my childish imagination, and that I can control myself.
How wrong they are…
And when I tell them that nothing changed, only my self-control became better? More complete, what do they say?
“Well, this means you are cured, go on, I have something to do.”
They dismiss anything related to my mental world as “Being mentally weak” or “Overthinking, overcomplicating and exaggerating things”
For me, there is no such thing as “something simple.”
I don’t understand the difference between events, and actions.
Why is life, and death a serious topic, but befriending another individual is something casual, normal?
Why is it normal to fear death, but it’s something childish to fear rejection, loneliness or failure?
“You never fail, but rather you learn”, I agree with this statement I’ve heard so many times from my elders, but the feeling of failure still can be a heavy burden, especially added to other burdens as well.
My thoughts are simple, despite people and me myself also considering my very being as an “overthinker”.
“What if…” this question followed by the endless possibilities of events that could occur in my life is what governs my daily activities.
This is the only question that truly appears daily in my mind, and I simply consider several possible outcomes, so why am I considered as overcomplicating things?
I simply respect and take seriously every aspect of my life, is that so wrong?
And sadly…I am not the only one.
Women and men alike have troubles with their own thoughts.
Women are afraid of…well everything, because no matter how much the elders say “our civilisation is developing quickly”,  the remnants of the olden days are aplenty, and they don’t like seeing women in position of power.
And men…men have nightmares of the cruel things they had to do, and the cruel things they still need to do.
We are labelled as “mentally weak”, “mentally unstable” or sometimes even “insane”, but is that the case?
Are we those who aren’t normal or those who can kill, and destroy without an ounce of regret or hesitation?
“Being calm while in panic” they call me, as they see me silent and calculative…but how wrong they are.
I am in a state like the calm before the storm, and I am afraid that the day the storm hits, is getting closer.
Thankfully, everything bad has something good in it, and due to my nature, I already have a plan for the day my defences collapse, and my fears flood my very being.

Published by omnithenerva

Wannabe fiction writer. In love with mythology, and fantasy themes.

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